Depression Versus Vitality | Flash Post 328
The beginning of September of this year threw me into a depression that lasted till November though these three months were less severe than the first episode that lasted for almost 6 months.
I recall the withdrawal symptoms because my stress and panic attacks returned when I turned reluctant to go out, engage in family conversations, shirk familiar chores I usually engage in like cooking, keeping our bedroom tidy and taking the easier route to accomplish such chores by not doing them with the finesse I would do them with in my better phase. I couldn’t think of a single idea I could base my blogposts on and, the bank stuff I study came to a complete standstill. I dumped all the statements into a neat pile and stacked them away. I became tight-fisted and stopped pampering myself and those around me and became aware of this fact. Even our babies (our pets) withdrew into a shell and became quieter and aloof sensing, perhaps, that everything wasn’t quite right. Strangely, I suspected that I was about to enter another low phase. This lasted till the third week of November when the family noticed a definite change in me for the better. I, too, noticed the gradual turn-around.
We are in the first week of December and I am chirpier. I am also going about conducting my chores more efficiently minus the uncertainties. My purse-strings have loosened to an extent where I am pampering my loved ones–not myself though–without going overboard. My babies are relaxed around me and more playful and loving.
In Kolkata, I managed to write a post a day for the blog. Sudoku is in my blood, I guess, and my day seems incomplete till I am able to solve one. I thoroughly enjoyed our trip to Kolkata mainly because of the hassle-free time my husband and I spent together: There were no chores to plan and execute. The sudden silence was so hypnotising that it calmed me down and made me feel in la-la land as compared to the hustle and bustle of life in general and the noise I live with living in an apartment in south Mumbai.
I suddenly feel I’ve had enough of the busy and exhausting life I’ve lived so far. At 64, I am being beckoned by the need to live a quieter and simpler life but, the question is, can I really do that? Can I shirk my responsibilities as a parent, as a home-maker, as a rescuer of the the abandoned and less privileged species, as the matriarch of this family that I, together with my husband, have put together so ably and beautifully? My leanings, though, are more towards the more peaceful and carefree existence and I hope I’ll be able to enjoy this life as much. Someday.