The Merry Roaches | Flash Post 383

Button, let’s do a story on that weird bit of news I read out to you from Mumbai Mirror.

You mean the one on the creepy-crawlies?

Yes.

Let’s do it. You go first.

MRS & MR ROACH ARE HAVING A HOUSE-WARMING PARTY ON THE 1st OF DECEMBER, 9 pm ONWARDS: YOU ARE INVITED.
The invite was beautifully handcrafted on ivory paper with gold trimming. The address was one of the poshest addresses of Bumbai. The cockroach colony was thrilled. They loved the Roaches for the parties they threw. They were beautifully decorated, the music was contemporary and feet-tapping with lots of roaches on the dance floor, twirling and shaking a leg in their designer wear. Mind you, each and every party they threw had 100% attendance. No one ever stayed away from a Roach party.

And the food was to die for.

As if the earlier house wasn’t big enough, quipped a socialite. They now own an entire bungalow! And it’s just the two of them and their two unmarried daughters.

On the day of the bash, all up-market salons were busy with ladies getting their hair washed and couffed. Designers were rushing to the homes of the rich and the famous to do their last bit of work, sewing a tuck here and a tuck there.

That evening, couples waltzed their way through dazzling white strands of hair—some long, some short—welcoming them from both sides, just like a pathway lined with fresh white orchids. The dandruff on those strands looked like tiny, twinkling lights when, suddenly, Meghraj felt a tickle on his right earlobe. As the hair inside and outside his ears was pretty long, greying and thick, he guessed it was the hair that was bothering him. He brushed the hair away and woke up his wife instructing her to trim the hair in both ears the next morning.

His wife, Gandhari, fondly nicknamed Golu, mumbled something in her sleep as she was on sleeping pills, turned the other way and fell asleep again.

Meghraj felt another tickle inside his ear this time and scratched the inside of his ear using his little finger, blaming Golu for not dusting and keeping the house cleaner, despite having four maids at her command. Could it also be a centipede from their garden burrowing away or a tic from their latest entrant into the family folds— a three-legged 8-month old rescued stray?

By this time, the entire cockroach community had reached the bungalow of the Roaches and were drinking, dancing and loudly laughing to display their pearly white implants and making a huge commotion.

Meghraj shook his head several times wishing the discomfort, itching and commotion would go away but, when it got worse, he woke his wife up again and ordered her to call the police and complain about the loud noise that was keeping him up. Golu finally woke up and dragged herself to the balcony to trace the source of the noise though she didn’t hear any. After many attempts, she quietly slunk into bed, covered her ears with her earphones without uttering a single word, pressed the play button on her iPhone that was connected to her Bose speaker and fell asleep once again listening to the strains of Mozart’s clarinet concerto in A major. This infuriated Meghraj even more as he was still trying to find the reason why the itch and loud noise inside his right ear was refusing to go away!

Meghraj sprung up from his bed and paced up and down digging his ear harder and harder but, apart from plucking a few strands of hair and some of the dandruff that had come loose after all the furious scratching, nothing came out. As his hairfall  had worsened lately, a bunch of hair had come off while he running his fingers through them. While all this was playing out, Golu slept the sleep of the dead, snoring softly.

At around 5 in the morning, the noise, tickling and itching inside Meghraj’s ears increased manifold as a  multitude of cockroaches made their exit. And then, there was some calm.

Meghraj was waiting patiently outside an ENT’s outdoor clinic at 6 the next morning. He was told the doctor would show up only around 11 as she was on her regular rounds. When she arrived at around 11.45, Meghraj almost ran in behind her. He explained his condition to Dr Ramchandani who examined his ear. To the doctor’s horror, she removed around a dozen small cockroaches from Meghraj’s right ear as well as a big-sized male and female cockroach.

Is your ear scratching less now? Asked Dr Ramchandani. In my entire career spanning 30 years as an ENT, I can’t think of removing cockroaches from a patient’s ear. How did you manage this, err…what’s your name?

Meghraj, doctor. Even I don’t know how this could have happened! It must be Golu— she is out all day long with her kitty party friends and never attends to the cleanliness of the house! I’ll fire her once I get home.